I’ve Seen Enough Death for a Lifetime
I hate war. I hate death. I hate funeral homes, wakes, and cemeteries. Heck, I even hate hospitals. When I was a young officer, wearing my dress uniform and attending ceremonies was fun because it always seemed to be about celebration. For the past 11 years it has symbolized death and tragedy. Over the past 11 years I’ve been to way too many memorial services for my fallen brothers.
Last Friday I buried my 40-year-old brother in my hometown of Whiteman, Massachusetts. My bother Brendan left behind a wife and three small children. In February of 2011 he was diagnosed with lung cancer that spread to his lymph node and brain.
After I stoically delivered my eulogy, someone asked me if I had ice going through my veins. I had some choice words to say but opted for a simple statement: “No, I’ve just seen a lot of death in my life.”
This was my fourth eulogy. One for my father, one for my blood brother, and two for soldier brothers.
People that have never been to war just don’t understand the death and destruction war causes. They don’t understand what these experiences do to us service members. But the war is only part of the challenge we face as service members. I was in Afghanistan at the time Brendan was diagnosed and was unable to be there for him. Fortunately our family, his friends, and nearly the entire 13,000 residents of Whiteman rallied around Brendan and his family.
Brendan entered into a ferocious battle and defeated the cancer in his chest. Unfortunately the cancer in his brain was simply too much.
He lived in Whitman his whole life. I left when I went to college.
This past week, our small town south of Boston flooded to the wake and funeral. I stood for hours receiving condolences and making small talk with people, most of whom I had never met nor could I recall their names.
They loved and respected my brother. They barely know who I am.
The community rallied around my brother and his family. The community surged to help. There is truly something magical about a community of people who pour their hearts into supporting one of their own.
When my brother could no longer work, this town sprang into action. The Whiteman Mothers Club hosted a fundraiser. Brendan’s friends hosted another a month later. An anonymous donor made it possible for Brendan’s family to take the trip of a lifetime to Disney World.
Meals were planned and delivered each night to Brendan’s home by wonderful people. People lined up to take Brendan to his never-ending doctor appointments in Boston. There were always ample volunteers to babysit the kids.
We do these types of things in the military as well for our fallen comrades, but it is not the same. The military life is extremely transient. You make friends that you keep forever, but you never stay together for very long. My family goes back three generations in Whiteman, Massachusetts.
Here is a great example. My mom babysat for Kathy.
Kathy babysat for my brother and me.
My brother and I babysat for Kathy’s kids.
You can’t replicate that type of history as a soldier.
There are support networks for Soldiers. But it is not the same as having the community you grew up in rally around you.
Service members have a sense of community, but it is always in a state of flux. It is also diluted if you chose not to live in the (generally speaking) outdated, cramped and project-like military housing on the military base. You just simply lose something when you are constantly starting over in a new location.
Someone is always coming or going. You or your friends are constantly changing duty stations. Your circle of support is never stable. Local family support for military members is limited in most cases.
The military is a fast and exciting lifestyle. It is filled with hardships and triumphs, heartbreak and jubilation. As service members we make many sacrifices. After witnessing the support the community I grew up in this past week. I believe the most important thing service members give up in defense of this great nation is the people we leave behind–our friends, family, and most importantly our community.
You want to always be there for your family in a time of need. But you can’t. You want to always be there in the good times as well. But you can’t.
I’ve buried a lot of brothers over the past 11 years, but this was my first and only brother of blood. I’m lucky though—I have a band of brothers that I’ve served with. I can call upon them anytime. But it is not the same as the person I have 38 years of history with.
I’ve always been proud to say that I am from Whitman, Massachusetts. It is a small, blue-collar town that provided my foundation. It wasn’t until my brother’s battle with cancer and subsequent death that I realized how much I cherish the community where I was born and raised.
Brendan and I a month after I returned from Afghanistan. Mark Herzlich wore number 94 for Boston College. Mark was considered an early-round prospect before being diagnosed with Ewing’s sarcoma, a form of cancer that attacks the bones. He went undrafted after missing an entire season of football. He now plays for the New York Giants. Brendan never wanted to be a professional football player. He just wanted to be a husband and father.
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30 comments on “I’ve Seen Enough Death for a Lifetime”
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You so often put so eloquently into words what I know so many feel. Even though my husband is now medically retired and we would therefore be considered one of the “stable” ones, we live in the military community that is ever in flux. Today we will encourage and uplift who we can, and tomorrow they will all be different. When we moved within the military a lot, I was often asked if it was harder to be the one leaving or the one left behind. I think it’s being the one left behind.
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Kevin Hanrahan says:
Thank you Carrie. I completely agree. You can’t help but feel as if you are being deserted as your friends leave. It’s not anyone’s fault….it is just the way……
so sorry to hear about this, Kevin. Your description of the small community rallying around your brother is very inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you Nikki.
My Condolences to you Kevin, your family and brothers family. My heart goes out to u all. If you ever want to talk I am only a click away. <3
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Thank you Renee.
Writing soothes my soul!
julia hugo rachel says: Dear Kevin:
I am profoundly sorry for the loss of your brother. Please accept my sympathies.
I relate to and resonate with this blog on so many specific issues.
They say there are no coincidences in life. My fathers middle name is Whitman, named after the township you were born. Our family was a MA family for a bit before Whitman became an incorporated township. I’ve more than a few relatives who fought hard for that territory.
You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Blessings,
Julia
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Thank you Julia. That is amazing about your family. That is an incredible coincidence. Whitman used to be part of Abington…. our next door neighbor.
It’s death that ages us sometimes. Since 2001, I feel like I’ve aged 50 years.
You express a great sentiment, that contrary to popular opinion, Soldiers despise war, for it’s Soldiers who bear the highest burden for it.
Sorry for your loss, but thanks for the words.
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I believe you are right Russ. I remember when we were all young and dumb and excited for the prospects of heading to Iraq. Now I dread the thought of having to go again. Of course like you and the rest of the troops, I will go if and when the country calls.
Sally says: Dear Kevin,
I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderful the community was. I was not military but was the one always moving. 38 houses in my 75 years with another coming up. Going from New Mexico to NH. We can only hope we find a new community. The more I have moved the harder it is. My heart goes out to the military families. Once a little military girl in the airport was told it was a shame she did not have a home and her response was ” I do have a home, I just don’t have a house to put it in” . My retired MWD is at my side as I write this. I wish you and your family many happy memories of your brother
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Hi Sally. 38 homes huh? That is amazing. I’m sure the adventure has been fun.
I truly believe that your home is wherever your family resides. But a community is a lot harder to find.
aj Melnick says: Words fail me, Kevin. But, my heart goes out to you and your family. Soo sorry!
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Thank you AJ.
Benny Alvarez says: Kevin,
My most sincere condolences to you and your family. What you put into words here is priceless. You said everything many of us think about on a daily basis as one of the cons to military life. You nailed it Brother!
Godspeed,
Benny
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Thank you Benny. Military life sure isn’t all guts, glory and glamour! That stuff is for the movies.
Joanna Furtado says: Dear Kevin-
I want you to know that I thought your eulogy was perfect. Equal parts funny, story telling, self-depricating, serious but overall the love and admiration you have for your brother shined (shone? LOL) through. I’m confused by how someone could ask if you had ice in your veins; you had us laughing, crying and smiling.
My heart is still very heavy for all of you, and it will be for a long time. Your brother was and always will be one of my favorite people. I am glad I was able to see you; I just wish it had been under happier circumstances.
Love,
Joanna (LaBrecque) Furtado
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Hi Joanna. Thank you. I can only assume they meant that I showed no emotion. I wasn’t crying during the eulogy and anytime last week. Everyone does things differently though. I’ve become somewhat numb to these types of events.
Thank you for all your support and your families’ friendship.
Mike Cree says: Kevin,
Very well put. Although not in the military such as yourself I have been away for 20 years now and have a sense of longing for home from time to time. Perhaps that’s the nostalgic me wishing for simpler times. Maybe it’s the selfish me thinking I could go out and “do better” but ended up missing my home and being a kid.
Brendan’s wake was simply one of the saddest days of my life. The pictures rolling on the TV screen made me more and more sad. To think that his children will not have him to hold is simply cruel. Seeing RJ was almost more than I could bear.
I am truly sorry you have lost B. For all that is right in the world this is not.
My intention was to compliment your eloquence and instead I have probably made you even more sad. Sorry for that for sure.
Talk to you soon.
Mike
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Hi Mike. That is a great point I always felt that I left my hometown to better myself…. to serve….but from time to time I feel guilty for leaving. I also know that I will never be back on a permanent basis. That sucks but it is what it is. For better or worse……my world is so much bigger now.
Though is hurts that my son Brady won’t have the same Bostonian accent as I. I cringe to think he will have a Midwestern accent like his momma. LOL. Although when I was home I was sure to pick up a Patriots #12 jersey for him!Great seeing you and thanks for making the trip to pay your respects.
Hooah says: As a military wife, I understand, and offer my most sincere condolences. Husband has 23 years in Army so I completely relate to your thoughts and I thank you deeply for your service. You’re right — those of us who bear the burdens of war hate it, but we understand that when we are called we must serve. I pray that God surround you with His love and protection. May you sleep in the arms of angels every night and may your brother rest in peace with his heavenly Father.
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Thank you very much. Thank you for your husband’s service but also yours. I was a military spouse. I lived through having a spouse deployed….. I know what you all go through.
M. Johnson says: Kevin,
That was so eloquently written. As far as stoic, that is not what I saw..I saw strenght, honor, integrity, and most importantly love. I was awed and sligthly jealous that I did not have the courage myself to speak when my brother passed away…not only were you lucky to have Brendan, I am sure he felt the same for you….
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Thank you Maureen. B and I shared a special bond…..we were guys…never to be overly emotional of affectionate with one another. It wasn’t necessary because we both know how one another felt. As I said in my Eulogy….I refuse to mourn his death. I will only celebrate his life.
Hannah Adams says: First of all, I’m so very very sorry for your loss Kevin.
However, for the frost time I think I have to disagree with you on something. Those of us who have never served I do believe can understand and sympathize, if not empathize, with the way war changes a person. If you’ve been through enough loss in your lifetime on a battlefield or not you become hardened.
At this point in my life, I’m 16 years old, Ive lost a family friend, 2 dogs, 1 horse (it sounds silly to include my pets but I’m really attached to my pets and I lost them when I was so young it was really traumatic), a great uncle, 3 girls I knew from a summer camp, a women I would consider to be a 2nd mother, a classmate, and my best friend. All of these by the age of 16. I think it is very possible to understand how you become hardened to death even if you havent been to battle if you’ve endured of it even at home.
Those that haven’t endured much death can’t understand, and most don’t lose 11 people/ pets by the age of 16, but those that have lives through the same amount of death can completely understand it.
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Hi Hanna. Thank you.
That is amazing to see that kind of loss Hannah. I think what I have seen has numbed me to death. Especially those close to me. How do you think it has affected you?
BTW: I would include my pets as well. They are after all family members!
I don’t know how I missed this post. I’m sorry for your loss, for all of your losses. That kind of grief carves out a place inside us that leads to a greater depth of understanding, and a richer appreciation for life’s blessings.
I’m sorry you lost your brother, and that his children lost their father, and that your sister-in-law lost her husband, and that your mother lost her son. Man. Like ripples in a pond, so many people’s lives are touched.
Cyber hug.
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Hi Barb. Thank you. It was a long tough struggle for our family. Brendan was quite the fighter but alas this F-uped disease took another great one.
Yeah, C took my mom and my dad. It’s the worst, an enemy difficult to defeat and insidiously sneaky. I can empathize.
[...] nonsmoker lungs and spread to his brain before they caught it. By then it was too late. Here is a tribute I wrote for Brendan and the town that rallied around his family this summer. I miss him the most [...]
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You so often put so eloquently into words what I know so many feel. Even though my husband is now medically retired and we would therefore be considered one of the “stable” ones, we live in the military community that is ever in flux. Today we will encourage and uplift who we can, and tomorrow they will all be different. When we moved within the military a lot, I was often asked if it was harder to be the one leaving or the one left behind. I think it’s being the one left behind.
Thank you Carrie. I completely agree. You can’t help but feel as if you are being deserted as your friends leave. It’s not anyone’s fault….it is just the way……
so sorry to hear about this, Kevin. Your description of the small community rallying around your brother is very inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Nikki.
My Condolences to you Kevin, your family and brothers family. My heart goes out to u all. If you ever want to talk I am only a click away. <3
Thank you Renee.
Writing soothes my soul!
Dear Kevin:
I am profoundly sorry for the loss of your brother. Please accept my sympathies.
I relate to and resonate with this blog on so many specific issues.
They say there are no coincidences in life. My fathers middle name is Whitman, named after the township you were born. Our family was a MA family for a bit before Whitman became an incorporated township. I’ve more than a few relatives who fought hard for that territory.
You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Blessings,
Julia
Thank you Julia. That is amazing about your family. That is an incredible coincidence. Whitman used to be part of Abington…. our next door neighbor.
It’s death that ages us sometimes. Since 2001, I feel like I’ve aged 50 years.
You express a great sentiment, that contrary to popular opinion, Soldiers despise war, for it’s Soldiers who bear the highest burden for it.
Sorry for your loss, but thanks for the words.
I believe you are right Russ. I remember when we were all young and dumb and excited for the prospects of heading to Iraq. Now I dread the thought of having to go again. Of course like you and the rest of the troops, I will go if and when the country calls.
Dear Kevin,
I am so sorry for your loss. How wonderful the community was. I was not military but was the one always moving. 38 houses in my 75 years with another coming up. Going from New Mexico to NH. We can only hope we find a new community. The more I have moved the harder it is. My heart goes out to the military families. Once a little military girl in the airport was told it was a shame she did not have a home and her response was ” I do have a home, I just don’t have a house to put it in” . My retired MWD is at my side as I write this. I wish you and your family many happy memories of your brother
Hi Sally. 38 homes huh? That is amazing. I’m sure the adventure has been fun.
I truly believe that your home is wherever your family resides. But a community is a lot harder to find.
Words fail me, Kevin. But, my heart goes out to you and your family. Soo sorry!
Thank you AJ.
Kevin,
My most sincere condolences to you and your family. What you put into words here is priceless. You said everything many of us think about on a daily basis as one of the cons to military life. You nailed it Brother!
Godspeed,
Benny
Thank you Benny. Military life sure isn’t all guts, glory and glamour! That stuff is for the movies.
Dear Kevin-
I want you to know that I thought your eulogy was perfect. Equal parts funny, story telling, self-depricating, serious but overall the love and admiration you have for your brother shined (shone? LOL) through. I’m confused by how someone could ask if you had ice in your veins; you had us laughing, crying and smiling.
My heart is still very heavy for all of you, and it will be for a long time. Your brother was and always will be one of my favorite people. I am glad I was able to see you; I just wish it had been under happier circumstances.
Love,
Joanna (LaBrecque) Furtado
Hi Joanna. Thank you. I can only assume they meant that I showed no emotion. I wasn’t crying during the eulogy and anytime last week. Everyone does things differently though. I’ve become somewhat numb to these types of events.
Thank you for all your support and your families’ friendship.
Kevin,
Very well put. Although not in the military such as yourself I have been away for 20 years now and have a sense of longing for home from time to time. Perhaps that’s the nostalgic me wishing for simpler times. Maybe it’s the selfish me thinking I could go out and “do better” but ended up missing my home and being a kid.
Brendan’s wake was simply one of the saddest days of my life. The pictures rolling on the TV screen made me more and more sad. To think that his children will not have him to hold is simply cruel. Seeing RJ was almost more than I could bear.
I am truly sorry you have lost B. For all that is right in the world this is not.
My intention was to compliment your eloquence and instead I have probably made you even more sad. Sorry for that for sure.
Talk to you soon.
Mike
Hi Mike. That is a great point I always felt that I left my hometown to better myself…. to serve….but from time to time I feel guilty for leaving. I also know that I will never be back on a permanent basis. That sucks but it is what it is. For better or worse……my world is so much bigger now.
Though is hurts that my son Brady won’t have the same Bostonian accent as I. I cringe to think he will have a Midwestern accent like his momma. LOL. Although when I was home I was sure to pick up a Patriots #12 jersey for him!
Great seeing you and thanks for making the trip to pay your respects.
As a military wife, I understand, and offer my most sincere condolences. Husband has 23 years in Army so I completely relate to your thoughts and I thank you deeply for your service. You’re right — those of us who bear the burdens of war hate it, but we understand that when we are called we must serve. I pray that God surround you with His love and protection. May you sleep in the arms of angels every night and may your brother rest in peace with his heavenly Father.
Thank you very much. Thank you for your husband’s service but also yours. I was a military spouse. I lived through having a spouse deployed….. I know what you all go through.
Kevin,
That was so eloquently written. As far as stoic, that is not what I saw..I saw strenght, honor, integrity, and most importantly love. I was awed and sligthly jealous that I did not have the courage myself to speak when my brother passed away…not only were you lucky to have Brendan, I am sure he felt the same for you….
Thank you Maureen. B and I shared a special bond…..we were guys…never to be overly emotional of affectionate with one another. It wasn’t necessary because we both know how one another felt. As I said in my Eulogy….I refuse to mourn his death. I will only celebrate his life.
First of all, I’m so very very sorry for your loss Kevin.
However, for the frost time I think I have to disagree with you on something. Those of us who have never served I do believe can understand and sympathize, if not empathize, with the way war changes a person. If you’ve been through enough loss in your lifetime on a battlefield or not you become hardened.
At this point in my life, I’m 16 years old, Ive lost a family friend, 2 dogs, 1 horse (it sounds silly to include my pets but I’m really attached to my pets and I lost them when I was so young it was really traumatic), a great uncle, 3 girls I knew from a summer camp, a women I would consider to be a 2nd mother, a classmate, and my best friend. All of these by the age of 16. I think it is very possible to understand how you become hardened to death even if you havent been to battle if you’ve endured of it even at home.
Those that haven’t endured much death can’t understand, and most don’t lose 11 people/ pets by the age of 16, but those that have lives through the same amount of death can completely understand it.
Hi Hanna. Thank you.
That is amazing to see that kind of loss Hannah. I think what I have seen has numbed me to death. Especially those close to me. How do you think it has affected you?
BTW: I would include my pets as well. They are after all family members!
I don’t know how I missed this post. I’m sorry for your loss, for all of your losses. That kind of grief carves out a place inside us that leads to a greater depth of understanding, and a richer appreciation for life’s blessings.
I’m sorry you lost your brother, and that his children lost their father, and that your sister-in-law lost her husband, and that your mother lost her son. Man. Like ripples in a pond, so many people’s lives are touched.
Cyber hug.
Hi Barb. Thank you. It was a long tough struggle for our family. Brendan was quite the fighter but alas this F-uped disease took another great one.
Yeah, C took my mom and my dad. It’s the worst, an enemy difficult to defeat and insidiously sneaky. I can empathize.
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